Alyssa is Awful / Awesome

I switched again....

2009-06-21T01:18:00.000-07:00

I'm at Squarespace now, dawgs. alyssacowan.squarespace.com

If you feel like dancing....dance with Shane and Brandon! ...and other stuff from this week.

2009-06-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

Last night was fantastic! Shane, Brandon and I went dancing, and it was amazing. (I love those guys to death! They're total sweethearts.) What was actually kind of weird about the dance night is that we spent a good two hours of it having intelligent conversation outside of the bar....which made us wonder why we didn't go to Denny's or something.

Shane, Brandon and I went dancing where we were recognized by someone who enjoys our comedy show. A really nice girl came up to the two of us and said, "I know you don't know me, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I went to your show and I loved it." I'm pretty sure Shane and I almost took a dump in our respective pants. It was really exciting to be noticed, and it was really sweet of that girl to do that. Of course Shane and I acted like little girls when it happened.

A text message exchange with my father about other events from this week:

Me: I just got a free drink from a bartender on account of me being in the comedy troupe. She liked our show.

Papa: Hey, I liked your show, too. And I would have bought you a drink also, but you were driving my vehicle.

It was really cool having my father in the crowd on Wednesday, especially since he's one of the people I always feel proud to make laugh.

Other notes from this week:

I am allowed to use my hands during a blowjob shot because my mouth is too small to fit around the shot glass.
When compelled to try to flip upside down on a pole, make sure you're not crotching it...because you'll just run toward it and hit your crotch. Hrm.
My mom believes that if there are no pineapple terriyaki meatballs in the house, there is no food in the house.

I apologize for the jumpy post!

Oh my goodness, this Fail made me unbelievably happy.

2009-06-18T02:50:00.000-07:00

I actuallyed loled...for reallies.

see more Fail Blog

Should I feel bad?

2009-06-17T01:47:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, I'll do my news show during the Comedy Cabaret, and afterwards people (even people in my troupe) will ask, "Is that really true?" And I always just kind of look at them funny and say, "No, that was the punch line The old iPhone doesn't really cost $2000..."

Should I make it more clear that my punchlines are fake? Or is it funnier when they think it is true?

Make sure you come to our show on Wednesday!

2009-06-16T00:47:00.001-07:00

...this one is going to be good. :)

Lance Armstrong

2009-06-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

Me: So, I'm thinking about starting to bike to work, because it's easier to get around on campus.

My Sister: What? Why?! Who the hell do you think you are, Lance Armstrong? You're not going to make it.

...upon more thought, I have determined that 5 or 6 miles up and downhill may a little unreasonable on my tiny half unfit body. Good call. Haha.

Twitter: The Best of May 2009

2009-06-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

Wipeout requires knowledge of Crash Bandicoot and old school slip and slides, I am convinced.
9:23 PM May 31st from web

http://twitpic.com/6dfv5 - Shane had to prove that he and his chimichanga are buff by breaking his fork.
5:27 PM May 31st from web

Knee socks will help balance the tans. Right-O. Good morning/night.
5:11 AM May 31st from web

This evening I hung out with gamers, drank tea, went impromptu clubbing and saw a poppunk show. Yay for satisfying many different interests!
1:13 AM May 30th from web

Okay another band name suggestion: Boozey Shoes.
11:51 PM May 29th from XMPP Gateway

Addendum to my last post...it was mostly in jest.
8:57 PM May 29th from XMPP Gateway

I think we should name our band the Electric Hadouken. Thoughts?
8:36 PM May 29th from XMPP Gateway

http://bit.ly/15gzM1 Danny ruins everything.
4:33 PM May 29th from web

@TadDunbar I do that so people wander around Reno looking for a cartoon...and I'm behind them the whole time and they don't know!
4:07 PM May 29th from web in reply to TadDunbar

@nousie I haven't heard the phrase "cock diesel" at all, but thanks for the new vocab.
3:40 PM May 29th from web in reply to nousie

http://bit.ly/UHrLd I learned something new today.
3:26 PM May 29th from web

Marvin just sang "Wuv" instead of "Love." Vaughn can sing weird falsetto metal. I'm in a muppet band.
6:17 PM May 28th from XMPP Gateway

@kihoshi What if I hate vampires and like trashy poorly written novels. What can you suggest?
3:03 PM May 28th from XMPP Gateway

http://bit.ly/9odAu Lawl!
1:38 PM May 28th from web

@kevinrose I thought those were Bloody Marys? Or is that just the drink of cougars?
11:42 PM May 27th from XMPP Gateway

I'm tired of these muthafucking onesies in this muthafucking mall!
6:18 PM May 25th from XMPP Gateway

Reno is where dreams go to breathe.
10:03 PM May 22nd from XMPP Gateway

LFO stole your honey like he stole your bike.
11:26 AM May 22nd from twidroid

Marvin is Grandmaster Chess. I've probably been demoted to Mixmaster Mike.
11:48 PM May 19th from twidroid

Street Fighter is one of G4's "Movies That Don't Suck." I call bullshit.
11:22 AM May 17th from twidroid

Jenn says I'm a caterpillar.
5:49 AM May 16th from twidroid

Lol @ MTV for using the bottom of the barrel in dating shows.
1:15 AM May 13th from twidroid

My mother takes naps while Marvin and I play ridiculous country covers.
3:54 PM May 11th from web

I'm fighting a dragon right now!
1:21 AM May 10th from twidroid

"You can't spell Alyssa without 'Ass'," says Marvin.
4:50 PM May 9th from twidroid

@twilightfiend the boat sinks. That's what happens.
12:39 AM May 9th from twidroid in reply to twilightfiend

Movie theaters in Reno need frozen yogurt. >.<
9:19 PM May 8th from twidroid

Why does this book exist? http://twitgoo.com/252r
8:01 PM May 8th from twitgoo

http://twitpic.com/4rh39 - Sarah's orange is now happy.
8:53 PM May 7th from TwitPic

Oh noes the intertubes done broke in my crib!
10:45 AM May 7th from txt

People should bust out grooves, not headlights. :(, @amandaftw
4:04 PM May 6th from XMPP Gateway

My sister: "Alyssa! Grab the Sham Wow!"
5:35 PM May 2nd from txt

Twitter: The Best of April 2009

2009-06-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

http://tinyurl.com/c77ub4
10:18 PM Apr 30th from XMPP Gateway

http://twitpic.com/4510h - My mom loves her new pen.
8:03 PM Apr 27th from TwitPic

"i'm going to tip him up his asshole."
2:15 PM Apr 24th from txt

I have a fear of my comedy being too nerdy to be understandable by non nerdy folk.
8:57 AM Apr 24th from txt

"I'm so 3008 and you're so 2000 and late!" Oooooh snap, Fergy Ferg, I need ointment when you burn me so hard.
6:20 PM Apr 21st from XMPP Gateway

My vitamin water tastes like meat.
9:11 PM Apr 17th from txt

Doornob shopping tonight for my siblings' new hizzle. Any suggestions doornob enthusiast tweeps? Lol
3:33 PM Apr 17th from mbpidgin

Ugh, it feels like someone poisoned me! Or I've been reading too much Agatha Christie.
9:13 PM Apr 15th from mbpidgin

http://tinyurl.com/dy45zc
9:34 AM Apr 15th from mbpidgin

It goes in this order: kung fu then pbr. Never switch it around, i say.
12:28 AM Apr 15th from txt

I'm not on a boat, but reno is warm. I got my flippy floppies!
2:47 PM Apr 13th from txt

I'm home, and i have a sandwich!
10:16 PM Apr 11th from txt

http://tinyurl.com/d2gcxe
5:13 PM Apr 9th from mbpidgin

There's an atm in the background of the show "eye for an eye." good find, danny.
1:36 AM Apr 9th from txt

@pathrewritable quit drinking at Target
11:50 AM Apr 2nd from mbpidgin

If fish fillets were on the dollar menu, my father would be able to tell the temperature--he'd have so much mercury in him, he says.
10:09 AM Apr 2nd from mbpidgin

Brandon vs. Creepy Lady in the Sands on an Arby's run.

2009-06-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

Creepy Lady: LOVE the hair!

Brandon: Thanks! LOVE the leather.

We all knew he didn't love the leather.

Shane: What just happened there?

Alyssa: Did you just get hit on?

Twitter: The Best of February - March 2009

2009-06-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

@TadDunbar how does the fat not hip guy in Reno get to go to Choachella before me?
5:47 PM Mar 31st from mbpidgin

How I prove my white trash tendencies: go to MickeyD's - Ice cream cone, Fish Fillet and OJ
2:06 PM Mar 31st from mbpidgin

I keep wanting Transformers to come in and kill of the characters...thus ending this script I'm reading.
11:07 AM Mar 30th from mbpidgin

When I grow up I want to be an ACME detective.
8:58 PM Mar 29th from txt

Fun fact: rita moreno was the voice of carmen sandiego. Woot.
5:10 PM Mar 27th from txt

@jmestepa I want one so bad I can feel it in my loins.
11:52 AM Mar 23rd from mbpidgin

I guy in my office just met Stan Lee in the elevator of our building. >.
2:11 PM Mar 20th from web

I think the other intern just took a call from Demetri Martin. I think I just shat myself.
4:22 PM Mar 17th from web

http://tinyurl.com/c7pkoz
11:40 PM Mar 15th from web

http://twitpic.com/1vnyg -
9:43 PM Mar 5th from TwitPic

Lol hillary duff went to the bar last night after we left to go to denny's. Ha ha
11:45 AM Feb 28th from txt

Just got asked if i'm a boy or a girl by a drunken gay mexican man.
1:42 AM Feb 22nd from txt

@adamkallen Because I feel like it's abused like a really expensive series of bags of cocaine.
5:44 PM Feb 19th from web in reply to adamkallen

Selma: raisin capital woo
3:13 PM Feb 16th from txt

Travel note: you can't find a map of california in the raley's of loomis, california.
10:41 AM Feb 16th from txt

I'm officially a cheap date: pbr is delicious.
10:10 PM Feb 10th from txt

Omg i was 2 feet away from dave foley but too much of a sissy to say hi
4:13 PM Feb 9th from txt

@twilightfiend Kid Rock has nothing...except for maybe some crabs.
9:10 PM Feb 8th from web in reply to twilightfiend

Twitter: The Best of January 2009

2009-06-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

Swingers in santa monica we got hungry and turtle racing got stupid.
11:47 PM Jan 29th from txt

How can you not stop in a place named chowchilla?!
2:10 PM Jan 26th from txt

http://twitpic.com/16igp - Sarah says happy holy aids to all!
10:23 PM Jan 23rd from TwitPic

@amandaftw I am offended by all beards, so I share your dad's sentiment.
9:01 PM Jan 21st from TwitterGadget in reply to amandaftw

@jmestepa jump thru the screen and punch her...unless she is 12.
11:21 PM Jan 11th from txt in reply to jmestepa

Really the channel 4 is doing a story about wii injuries? That story is a year old. Way to get the scoop.
11:26 PM Jan 10th from TwitterGadget

http://twitpic.com/11e2k - Marvin knows how to wear a hat.
12:22 AM Jan 10th from TwitPic

http://twitpic.com/z70w - Horror section fail.
9:18 PM Jan 2nd from TwitPic

I just spen[t] the last twenty minutes talking at my buddy about the economics of World of Warcraft monster spawning. Haha. What a nerd.
2:28 PM Jan 2nd from TwitterGadget

I'm so amused by this poor reporter trying not to get touched in south lake.
12:08 AM Jan 1st from txt

Twitter: The Best of December 2008

2009-06-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

@amandaftw different strokes for different folks. I wish i watched diff'rent strokes instead.
2:38 AM Dec 22nd, 2008 from txt in reply to amandaftw

http://tinyurl.com/4ab2jh
11:23 AM Dec 20th, 2008 from TwitterGadget

How are you supposed to breath with no air, Jordan Sparks? You don't. Stop asking.
10:10 AM Dec 20th, 2008 from TwitterGadget

http://twitpic.com/sqhp - Good advice: don't eat bath set.
10:06 PM Dec 13th, 2008 from TwitPic

Boo Norton anything.
1:28 PM Dec 6th, 2008 from twhirl

Oh my! All of those nights at Studio 54 in the late 70s are catching up with you I see. OH to be young again.
5:18 PM Dec 3rd, 2008 from twhirl

Twitter: The Best Of May - November 2008

2009-06-06T12:53:00.001-07:00

Okay dudes. This is a self-serving blog...so I think it's a decent place to copy down my favorite Tweets. :)

Craft fair mullet count 1. Perm count 1 million.
3:20 PM Nov 30th, 2008 from txt

My d[a]d eats pumpkin pie like it's pizza.
2:43 PM Nov 27th, 2008 from txt

I suck at reading handwriting. At work I typed "quality ridden" instead of "quality driven." Both are good though!
3:49 PM Nov 26th, 2008 from web

I wonder [if] my yoga class appreciated my howard dean ring tone in the middle of some silence
9:34 AM Nov 25th, 2008 from txt

hypothetical bang game ftw!
10:31 PM Sep 11th, 2008 from web

thinks that Wes Andersen had some serious daddy issues.
10:23 PM Jul 30th, 2008 from web

remembers Eddie Murphy's singing career. Epic lulz.
11:47 AM Jul 4th, 2008 from web

WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!! WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!
6:02 AM May 30th, 2008 from web

Doesn't really know what the hell this is! lol
5:53 PM May 7th, 2008 from web

The Twilight Zone...as told by the Utility Players

2009-06-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

Ian is a genius! This sketch is his little brainchild, and it was pretty funny if I do say so myself. P.S. I apologize for the camera angle, haha.

Why Danny ruins everything.

2009-05-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

alyssapants http://bit.ly/UHrLd I learned something new today. about 1 hour ago from web

On AIM:

[15:39] Danny: This Superman vs. lightsaber arguement is flawed.
[15:39] bandagesbndages: Lol, is it?
[15:39] Danny: well, it should ask about a STANDARD lightsaber
[15:40] Danny: because, keeping in mind we're taking about nonsense here anyway, a lightsaber could be constructed using a Kryptonite crystal.
[15:40] Danny: I mean, this is pretty ridiculous, but it could happen.
[15:40] Danny: Well, no, it couldn't.
[15:40] bandagesbndages: Just kidding, I guess I didn't learn something.
[15:41] bandagesbndages: Thanks for ruining my life/fun, Danny.
[15:41] Danny: Anytime.

Well, shit man.

TY to my sister who send this to me.

Yay!

2009-05-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

This week's show went amazingly well. We had an amazing musical guest (Carissa Warman) and a dandy comedic guest (Rustin Abraham).

Something new I learned: It's hard to dance in a really tight girdle thing.

Other new thing I learned: It's hard to rap in a really tight girdle thing.

Other other new thing I learned: It's hard to breathe sometimes in a really tight girdle thing.

The rest of the troupe believes that I'm going to be remembered for rapping the Fresh Prince theme in a superhero outfit...

On another note, Jes posted our "Wii-Tastic" Sketch on YouTube.

Note: Shane is fantastic!

Epic Dance Parties at the Studio on 4th.

2009-05-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

I was at the Studio on 4th last night at an amazing concert. Last week's Comedy Cabaret guest Tyler played, and he was super good as always. An epic dance party broke out when Jelly Bread took the stage. Shane and I were super amused by their dummer. He was so animated, and I'm always personally impressed when I see a drummer that can sing and play at the same time. Mostly because I'm jealous....

*cue Allison from America's Next Top Model*

Spoken Views Tonight

2009-05-21T12:15:00.001-07:00

I'm going to be at Spoken Views tonight at 8pm at the Sierra Arts Gallery. If you have not seen Spoken Views before, it's a brilliant gathering of Reno's best beat and slam poets. Definitely worth checking out!

5.20.09 Utility Players Show: Behind the Scenes.

2009-05-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Last night's show went really well. Right now we don't have a permanent stage manager, so right now we're all handling our set changes and effects (except for lighting and music of course, we have Joe the Awesome Sound/Lights man up in the booth). Last night we were pretty well choreographed for all of the changes.

During the Inspector Gadget sketch, Jes mistakenly pulled Erin's wig off. Apparently she thought that Erin didn't need it anymore. Erin ended up yanking it back and having to rush to get back into the scene on time. I was rolling in laughter. It's hard to hold back my laughter when I'm back stage...and a lot of the time I don't even try.

Tyler was a really good sport about us poking fun at him for an entire evening. He found out about his parts that day. He also played a great set! He's going to be performing tomorrow night at Studio on 4th with Jelly Bread and Josh Berry & The Imposters.

We had a really fun after party involved Trainspotting, Awful Awfuls and Joe's World Famous Honeybear Stew. It was a great night, but also the culprit involved in my waking up later than usual this morning. Make double sure you come to our show next Wednesday! The theme is "TV Covers."

Star Trek comments.

2009-05-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

"He's going to big and green at any moment."
"Romulans don't do that."
"BUT ERIC BANA DOES!!!!!!! GGGRRRRR!!!"

Last.Fm in the Shower Project

2009-05-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

Here's my beloved compy. I wouldn't want to take it in the shower with me...and besides laptop speakers suck. I have a headphone jack extender plugged into it.

The extender heads down the small hall into the bathroom.

A cassette adapter is plugged into the extender.

And plugs into my old school stereo. Badass.

By far my best purchase evar!

2009-05-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

Alyssa [2:32 PM]: So I think I've totally out google whored you once and for all.

Grumbles [2:33 PM]: impossible

Alyssa [2:33 PM]: Oh, it's possible.

Grumbles [2:33 PM]: but i will hear you out

Alyssa [2:33 PM]: Lawl.

Alyssa [2:33 PM]: I got a G1 the other day

Grumbles [2:34 PM]: oh is that thing with android??

Alyssa [2:34 PM]: Yup

Grumbles [2:34 PM]: bahahaha

Grumbles [2:34 PM]: yes, you have beaten me

Now my mother is trying to convince me to convince my father to get one too. Apparently my dad's old mangled phone grosses my mom out.

You had to have been there...

2009-05-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

Last night's Big Gay Comedy Cabaret was amazing! The crowd was awesome; they seemed really appreciative of the show. An audience member even bought me a beer at the bar later in the evening (Thanks!!). That means I can finally say that I've been paid to do comedy.

I told everyone back stage that I'm surprised I didn't get heckled during my segment (as I did last week. But that was funnny!). Also, I have to throw out props for our two newest members Shane and Ben. They're hilarious, and I'm so glad to have them in the troupe.

We had an awesome after party at Erin's house where I learned how much liquor I can hold (gross). I also found myself lecturing everyone about the new Wolverine movie and Red Flush. So, we all learned something. That's nice.

Next week is going to be just as awesome! Make sure to be at the Studio on 4th (432 E. 4th St) Wednesday, the 13th at 8pm. The theme will be Drugs, Sex, and Rock'n'Roll, and rumor has it that some pirates might be showing up.

Aww, shucks.

2009-04-30T16:27:00.001-07:00

Last night we had a good turn out for the first Comedy Cabaret taping. It went well, and I'm super excited that I got to do my news segment. Next week (and then 10 weeks after that) we'll be doing another show taping, so make sure to be there.

I was supposed to compete in the Comedy Competition at the 3rd Street Bar, but my attempt to moonlight failed. I got there at around 10pm and my spot was given to someone else. =/ Oh well, looks like I should be focusing on my weekly gig anyway. Or maybe I'll see everyone at Java Jungle sometime soon!

Oh, and here's a fun picture to lift your spirits!

2009-04-28T22:21:00.003-07:00

the 3rd Street Bar at 10pm. Yay for moonlighting!

2009-04-28T22:21:00.001-07:00

Hey everybody, come check out my comedy troupe on Wednesday (the 29th) at 8pm at the Studio On Forth. Then I'll be competing in the comedy competition at

Tonight!

2009-04-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

Everybody should check out the Art Bar Cabaret at the Studio on 4th tonight at 8pm.

(I'm not performing, but I may help a little with hosting duties.) I'll see you there!

Tonight Meebeeeh?

2009-04-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm going to attempt to get a spot at the 3rd St. Bar's Open Mic Comedy night. Feel free to stop by!

Also, wish me luck! :D

Edit: I'll be on next week on Wednesday the 29th @ 10pm. I'm moonlighting though, because from 8 to 10ish I'll be performing with my comedy troupe at the Studio on 4th.

Doornob shopping.

2009-04-19T20:37:00.000-07:00

My facetious tweet:

Doornob shopping tonight for my siblings' new hizzle. Any suggestions doornob enthusiast tweeps? Lol
3:33 PM Apr 17th from mbpidgin

When you type a tweet like that, you don't really expect a response... but when you have a friend like Danny...

(3:35:48 PM) Danny: Don't buy the cheapest one, lol. Kwickeys are usually an alright brand. Um...

(3:36:05 PM) Alyssa: Oddly enough that was my dad's suggestion: "If I paid that extra two dollars our doornob would be way better. =/"

(3:36:37 PM) Danny: Yeah, man. People used to buy the cheapest one at Lowe's, and I wouldn't say anything. Dish out just a little bit more. I don't know why you wouldn't, they even seem just studier overall.

(3:38:20 PM) Alyssa: Indeed, very intelligent locks.

(3:39:03 PM) Danny: sturdier* THANKS.

(3:39:11 PM) Alyssa: bhahaha

(3:39:20 PM) Danny: OH GO DRINK SOME PBR

And that's how I had the most boring conversation ever.

Kung Fu!

2009-04-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday I gave Kung Fu another try. Back when I was a little kid, I was in a class with my sister. I couldn't balance. They had to stand me up against a wall, and all the little jerks made fun of me. Now, I come back and I can actually balance (thanks yoga!), but I punch like a little girl. My point is basically this: please don't challenge me to a Kung Fu fight because I punch like a girl (but at least I won't fall over when a gust of wind or a strong fart rolls by).

The end of the ride.

2009-04-13T18:15:00.001-07:00

I'm back in Reno now after a pretty awesome 10 weeks. Pretty awesome and surprisingly busy. I spent my last night there in Hollywood at Clockwork Orange. FYI if you go there, try to stay away from the top 40s room unless you have cock blocks all around. Those dudes get weird and grabby! Yuck. The 80s room was amazing!

Woot, woot. I miss my pals in Burbank/NoHo, but it's nice to be back in Reno.

The Classics

2009-03-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

I was sitting around watching Monty Python's Flying Circus, probably the greatest sketch comedy/variety show of all time. I used to watch this show on PBS with my mom and dad when I was a kid.

Anyway, here's a sketch that was absolutely hilarious and underrated.

Roli Poli People.

2009-03-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

(4:15:21 PM) Alyssa: But i ate so much I feel like a roli poli
(4:15:24 PM) Tim: lol
(4:15:40 PM) Tim: I don't think it's possible for you to become a rolipoli
(4:30:38 PM) Alyssa: Yeah, human into rolipoli is a hard transformation.
(4:31:13 PM) Tim: from a scientific point of view it would be interesting
(4:31:21 PM) Tim: and I wonder if the chitin would be super strong.. you know
(4:31:24 PM) Tim: like in proportion
(4:31:41 PM) Tim: i mean, right there we have +1 to pros vs cons
(4:32:09 PM) Alyssa: hahah good point.
(4:32:24 PM) Alyssa: so it seems that we're talking about a human sized rolipoli
(4:32:32 PM) Alyssa: for some reason I assumed I would be shrinking
(4:32:46 PM) Tim: ah, well that's an avenue not yet explored
(4:32:55 PM) Tim: but that'd be weird because cells are cells either way
(4:33:00 PM) Tim: so either you'd be gaining or losing
(4:33:15 PM) Alyssa: true
(4:33:33 PM) Tim: so for the sake of argument, i'll assume that your vital systems would stay intact to allow for survivability during transformation
(4:34:21 PM) Alyssa: I would hope so, wouldn't that suck to become a rolipoli then never get to experience it?
(4:34:33 PM) Tim: then again, I should account for nature and its' cruel irony; death during transformation would not be unlike stillbirth ......
(4:34:36 PM) Tim: yeah
(4:34:54 PM) Tim: for for this intent, i'll guess that survivability of body is 100%
(4:35:00 PM) Tim: unless you're on a plane that happens to have snakes
(4:35:20 PM) Tim: then we get into a whole nother area.. the 'snakes on a plane' conundrum
(4:35:25 PM) Alyssa: ah, good point
(4:35:51 PM) Tim: it would be difficult to remove these motherfucking snakes from this motherfucking plane WHILE metamorphing into a rolipoli
(4:36:12 PM) Tim: but the benefits here of being a human-sized rolipoli are apparent, snakebites are nullified
(4:36:23 PM) Tim: and I don't think you could get constricted, as rolipolis have no neck
(4:36:31 PM) Tim: so respiration would be okay
(4:37:00 PM) Alyssa: yeah, but what if the you are still transforming your human neck into a lack of neck?
(4:37:20 PM) Tim: then we have a time issue
(4:37:33 PM) Tim: I mean, there is no standard for how long it takes from human-rolipoli transformation
(4:37:44 PM) Tim: so technically it could be nanoseconds up to millenia
(4:38:03 PM) Tim: of course, assuming that it actually happens within our (human) and our (rolipoli) lifetimes
(4:38:12 PM) Tim: it would have to happen within a certain number of hours
(4:38:24 PM) Tim: given the whole respiration (cellular) and metabolism paradoxes
(4:38:38 PM) Tim: (biology was the wrong course for me to take)
(4:38:57 PM) Alyssa: bahahahaha
(4:39:20 PM) Tim: ((i really hope this is as entertaining to you as it is to me.. lol))
(4:39:29 PM) Alyssa: It is, I'm enjoying this conversation.
(4:39:39 PM) Alyssa: I like hypothetical conversations like this
(4:39:52 PM) Alyssa: I had a really good one with sarah and Krystal once...
(4:40:34 PM) Tim: yeah?
(4:41:41 PM) Alyssa: Yeah it would be (not to take you away from the rolipoli human transformation) what if you cut your arm off and your arm could grow into a new person, but the catch is you would lose that arm, but the person would be full.
(4:41:50 PM) Alyssa: and then you use the persons arm to replace your own.
(4:42:08 PM) Alyssa: but amy pointed out that if you cut that persons arm off you couldn't use it because it would turn into a person
(4:42:11 PM) Alyssa: see what I'm saying?
(4:42:22 PM) Tim: that's a vicious cycle
(4:42:29 PM) Alyssa: yep
(4:42:33 PM) Alyssa: It's a funny conversation
(4:46:18 PM) Alyssa: But anyway, say you're on a five hour flight to philadelphia and you start to turn into a rolipoli, you should be one by the time you land.
(4:46:55 PM) Tim: I would figure so
(4:47:02 PM) Tim: but what if the cabin de-pressurizes
(4:47:11 PM) Tim: they don't have rolipoli friendly o2 masks
(4:47:20 PM) Tim: i've never been in the situation so I don't know what happens
(4:47:23 PM) Alyssa: You'd only get like half the oxygen needed
(4:47:33 PM) Alyssa: it would feel like you got the wind knocked out of you.
(4:47:59 PM) Tim: ahh
(4:48:24 PM) Tim: I wonder though; I don't think rolipolis need the same amount of O2 that we do
(4:48:36 PM) Tim: because their circulatory system is far less advanced
(4:48:46 PM) Tim: so perhaps they wouldn't even feel it

(5:00:49 PM) Tim: So. I'd wonder about rolipoli circulatory systems... (not to redundify)
(5:01:38 PM) Alyssa: no worries
(5:01:52 PM) Alyssa: I think we've all wondered about that in our lives
(5:02:20 PM) Tim: lol I'd agree
(5:03:03 PM) Tim: i'd also have to wonder that if snakes, then Samuel L Jackson
(5:03:09 PM) Alyssa: Indeed.

(6:18:08 PM) Tim: I wonder
(6:18:13 PM) Tim: if they have a specialized first aid kit
(6:18:19 PM) Tim: or maybe like wheelchair for rolipolis
(6:18:23 PM) Tim: for the airports
(6:18:36 PM) Alyssa: rolipolis, or rolipoli people?
(6:18:40 PM) Alyssa: huuuuuuuuuuge difference.
(6:20:21 PM) Tim: both
(6:20:23 PM) Tim: well
(6:20:35 PM) Tim: are we talking pre or post-transformation? I figure rolipoli people would be in mid-transition
(6:25:41 PM) Alyssa: well when I say rolipoli people, I mean people who do not become smaller. so I guess they're not rolipoli people, but rather large rolipolies
(6:26:14 PM) Tim: ah
(6:27:09 PM) Tim: I wonder if they'll make specialized traffic signs like those ones with the little stick figures walking across the street.. only rolipolies
(6:27:31 PM) Tim: and amend the bike lane for downhill slopes for balled up rolipoli people to roll down
(6:32:10 PM) Alyssa: maybe, that would be a smart plan.
(6:32:46 PM) Alyssa: the little walk man would also have to have two extra pictures "Of course depending on whether the rolipoli people want to crawl or ball.
(6:33:29 PM) Tim: Yeah like a "Skitter // Roll "
(6:34:53 PM) Alyssa: indeed.
(6:35:13 PM) Alyssa: toyota would make different cars for those rolipolipeople who chose to drive
(6:35:39 PM) Tim: Yeah like the Prius
(6:35:43 PM) Tim: and Prius RP edition
(6:36:08 PM) Tim: We couldn't discriminate against our rolipoli brethren
(6:36:14 PM) Tim: then we'd have starship troopers on our hands
(6:39:34 PM) Alyssa: Ron Paul edition?
(6:39:41 PM) Tim: lol

One Week Ago Exactly.

2009-03-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

My buddy Danny and I were in NoHo, and I was looking for some Greek food. In my usual practice of circling the destination several times before finding a place (no, I have not gotten the hang of parking here yet...even in places with plentiful spaces). During a pre-trip before the Greek trip we saw some movie trailors (actual trailors that you can physically put people in, not the ones you watch...that's a bad plan while you're driving).

We deliberately chose to walk on the sidewalk next to the trailors. As we turned the corner, some lady started a hyper rant. I turned around to look... "It's so cold out here," said Jamie Lee Curtis (or a woman who seriously looked exactly like and sounded exactly like her. ) as she threw her hands up in a rediculous gesture. After we lost her I turned to Danny and said, "Bro! That was Jamie Lee Curtis." "Dude, you're right."

All I could think was Why is Jamie Lee Curtis flailing behind me?! I'm going to turn around and yell "Freak Friday sucked!". So...long story short: Greek food with me and Danny's good pal JLC.

Later that night I found myself shoving a lot of money into a jukebox and singing loudly to The Killers with Danny and Zahida. That's something that I think is fun sober...so you can imagine how I felt about it after 3 beers and a gin and tonic. Fantastic!

Afterward, the three of us, and our awesome DD ended up at a taco cart in Eagle Rock where I was spontaneously speaking spanish with a pretty good accent (generally I'm too shy to speak in languages other than English).

Good times, you should have been there.

Jimmy Kimmel and my squishiness

2009-03-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

Thursday was pretty awesome, I got to see one of my heroes! I went to a live taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live, and that was pretty amazing. I can safely say that my noggin was on national television. (middle section 4th row on the end :))

I saw most of WATCHMEN yesterday. I thought the style was really pretty, but I almost lost my shit because of the gore. Luckily my sister was content with leaving the movie with me mid-way through. We ate some ice cream instead.

Dear Twitter, I'm starting to hate you.

2009-03-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Twitter Frenzy

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

I've been complaining a lot about twitter, and it used to be something I really liked. But lately I've given up on it. Here are some of the reasons:

1. I'm tired of seeing when my friends are doing boring stuff. They tell twitter when they're eating or driving somewhere. Granted I did that at first, but then I realized that that information isn't helpful at all unless you're trying to let your friends know where you are so you can meet up.

2. I can't turn off @ responses on my phone. I've turned off twitter on my phone, but when I still gave a crap I used to get pwned by @ responses that weren't toward me.

3. People twitter during events. It's bullshit, use im if you're going to talk that much. Or seriously, just write out an entire blog.

4. It seems like a lot of people use it to be really negative. It's like a random spurt of anger so we can see what goes into the bottle before it explodes.

5. Out of touch news organizations and politicians are using it now...it's like when the NBC Macy's Day Parade rickrolled us, once they find out it's just not cool anymore. (This reason is more petty for sure, but I'm still including it.)

6. Spammers are starting to sprout up everywhere and they like to follow me.

7. I have friends with annoying twitters and I'm not sure if it's in good taste to just straight up stop following them.

And now here are a crap ton of people who feel the same way:
Why Twitter Sucks... - Dom Ramsey

Twitter Sucks Balls - Standing Cheese

Why Twitter Sucks - Sucky Startups

15 Million Reasons Why Twitter Sucks... - Site Point

Twitter Shitter - Penny Arcade

Twitter Sucks. Lightning Does not. - Center Networks

Journalists reporting on journalists?

2009-03-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

There's something I find undeniably that journalists get together for a week and talk about journalism stuffs....then proceed to report about the journalism stuffs, most likely for other journalists to check out. My mind, consider yourself boggled.

Notes from America's Next Top Model

2009-03-04T20:55:00.000-08:00

The premiere of America's Next Top Model is tonight, and being the douchecrate I am, I decided to watch it. Here are some notes:

OMG, Cycle thirteen is going to be for people 5'7" and shorter. Finally I can try out!! Aaaaahh!
Does anybody else think it's hilarious that they do this show in cycles?
My goal in life is to get Tyra Banks to take off her weave.
One of the models has a face that looks like a foot. Sorry, but man, she freaks me out.
They seemed to allow a lemur into the competition this year. I'm glad they're opening it up to diversity.
Jay Manuel's face looks pasted on.
The panel of judges are so disturbing. They're all scary looking for different reasons.
Tyra Banks cited a survey from her talk show website. How scientific.
Paulina Poriskdoenrehajfhfjva looks soo soo ridiculous. Very much like Elvira. Or maybe she gently placed a beaver on her head for a pompadour effect.

Friday and Saturday

2009-03-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

On Friday I managed to stumble into the only Denny's that isn't 24 hours. Don't be fooled by the Denny's in Burbank, people, bad news. Apparently as a couple of friends and I were enjoying our breakfast food, Hillary Duff starting drinking in the bar that we were in. Weird. Oddly enough, when talking to friends, the fact that I was in a Denny's that closes at midnight was more interesting than the possibility of a run-in with Lizzie McGuire.

On Saturday I helped a friend of mine pick up furniture for her new apartment. The two of us (both girls, and not amazon sized girls mind you) managed to move this couch into her living room. I'm pretty proud of our results though. At one point we faced a pickle when the couch was on a side and it was just too tall to fit under a lower hanging molding. We had to put down the couch, but my friend couldn't do it herself without dropping it and smooshing herself. The solution involved yours truly jumping out of a balcony and running around through the front door to help my friend put down the other side of the couch.

Then this small town girl almost shit her pants with delight: Saturday was the first day I've ever physically been inside an Ikea. It was heaven...except for the rude lady who took my spot in the loading area. Apparently it was crucial that she go to any means necessary to load a crapton of Gorms into her Jeep in that specific space.

Today I made a point to drive through Coldwater Canyon, for two reasons (both nerdy things I get excited about) 1.) Because of this song by Rilo Kiley:

(I have no idea why Winona Ryer is in this video...weird) and 2.) Because for some reason I was under the impression that Steve Martin's character in Shopgirl lived in that area.

Oddly enough, while looking up Shopgirl on Wikipedia, I learned that on today's exploration I was driving one street over from where Clare Danes lives in that movie. Don't I feel silly?

Another cool thing: Glendale has a Chevy Chase Dr. I think that's badass.

College Night?

2009-02-24T22:45:00.000-08:00

I just got an e-mail from the student government that invited everyone to "College Night." Well....I'm in college...everyday is college night. =/

Saturday Night

2009-02-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

Bar hopping in Redondo beach.

First bar we stumbled upon had a lot of middle aged people grinding on each other to blues music. So these oldies were wrong in two ways: 1) You shouldn't be grinding on each other: you don't have badonkadonk; 2) You don't grind to blues.

The last bar we went to turned out to be a gay dive bar. A stranger older hispanic fellow asked me if I was a boy or a girl, then told me I was cute. I decided that my gender was based on his sexuality. Seeing as he was homosexual, I told him I was a girl. Then one of the people in our group got to listen to a very passionate man talk about marijuana legalization for about an hour. That dude was for serious. He's going to change the world, one drunken bar speech at a time.

Amy and Alyssa's Oscar Chats!

2009-02-22T16:52:00.000-08:00

My sister and I are watching the Oscars and the preshow together on the interwebs. Here are some clips from out conversation. (P.S. I fixed all of the typos.)

2:43 PM me: Fuck the notebook.

2:45 PM Amy: So you're watching America's Next Top
Model thing too?

me: Lol yeah....I'm in the same city I should
go over to E! and be like "Fucking stop."

2:46 PM Amy: lol

be all like, "america's next top model is not
relevant"

me: Lol

Srsly.

Amy: I remember salisha

2:47 PM oh god, everyone wants to be an actress

2:48 PM no model ever says, "i want to be a
neurosurgeon"

2:49 PM me: lol

Amy: The miley cyrus dress is hideous

me: Is she wearing a fish?

me: Emile Hirsch played Freddie Mercury in
Milk.

Amy: lol

no no, that's james franco

me: You're right

Silly me.

Amy: you know, if miley cyrus wants to be
taken seriously, she has to play a stripper
or drug addict when she's 18

me: Or she can just become one.

Amy: lol

me: She is so fucking awful, Miley

Amy: yes, it's 100,000 pounds [About Miley
talking about the weight of her dress].

3:09 PM me: I hope the ground breaks under her and
she ends up in the basement.

Amy: reaction to jon's dress: "what the hell is
that?"

lol

me: Lol

me: Emile Hirsch played Liberaci in Milk.

Amy: lol

3:11 PM me: Now that's just not even making sense.

3:13 PM me: I hate the Heidi Klum dress.

It was ugly.

Amy: she looked like she gutted 1000 fish,
stitched them together, then threw on a belt

3:14 PM me: Lol, I literally lolled at that.

Amy: I can't believe they're actually plugging
australia

actually, it makes sense since wolverine is
hosting the academy awards

3:17 PM if someone goes over their time with their
speech, he should totally bust out the claws
and slash 'em until they get off the stage

me: LOL

I agree.

Amy: no music just slashing

3:18 PM me: "No! I'm not done Cut the music!"
"I'll cut you, shut the hell up!"

Amy: bwahahahahahahaha

Amy: unda pressure dun dun dun daka dun dun

me: That song is on the Milk soundtrack.

Amy: okay, zac efron looks like a douche

with his dumb slicked back hair

3:34 PM me: Lol

Yeah he did look like a douche.

3:35 PM Amy: lol

it was just so slicked all 1920's style

it looked like he stood in the mirror, slicked
back his hair and said, "do i look like a
douche? slicked hair, cockey smile. I'm good."

3:36 PM kevin kline looks so old!

me: hahahaha

Yeah he does!

What's with the 'stache?

Amy: he's old, age comes with a stache

me: Dude, The HSM people look so
uncomfortable.

Amy: it's comes in the mail

3:37 PM yeah, because they know they don't belong
there

me: Seriously.

me: lol

Ryan only communicates with people
through phone numbers [with] polls

Amy: robert pattinson should not be at the
oscars

me: Seriously

that's an insult to the oscars.

Amy: they need to limit the tickets

me: indeed.

me: Hell if Robert Pattinson can get in, maybe
a Canadian Producer's intern can get in.

Amy: oh okay

4:12 PM i don't like that girl's dress

4:13 PM big ass bow

4:14 PM me: Who is Melissa George?

Amy: i have no idea

4:15 PM she could be a key grip, they seem to allow
everyone in

4:16 PM Amy: robert patinson is the ugliest fucker

and he speaks as if he were drunk.

me: Yeah he is.

Maybe he is.

Amy: "it's completely different in that it's good"

4:17 PM that character is not charming

he's broody and dumb

4:18 PM Amy: omg, that's what matthew brodderick
looks like?

omg, what happened to ferris bueller?

me: Dude he's looked like that for like ten
years.

Amy: are you serious?

he looks so old and worn out

4:19 PM maybe it's because he has to look at
horseface all day

it's aged him

me: I would be too with that ...

Lol I was typing that and I paused

and you completed my thought.

Amy: OPIE!

i liked it

4:21 PM me: That's old school.

Amy: whenever i see ron howard, all i can
think about is opie

4:23 PM me: Same here.

I think of the Simpsons episode he was on
too.

Amy: oh, they one with kim basinger?

me: yeah

that's the one.

Amy: where he gets run over

me: Yeah.

4:24 PM And then they bring him back again in a
later episode.

Amy: that is a memorable simpsons episode

well, he was in the scene where the judge
orders homer to stay away from any celebrity

he was in a full body cast

4:42 PM Amy: why does seacrest have to do a latin
accent?

me: To give the interview feeling.

4:59 PM Amy: i am the only person that hated ironman

it was an hour and a half of welding!

5:00 PM i fell asleep and he was welding. i woke up
and he was still welding

me: Indeed.

Ironman could get the award for best welding.

5:24 PM Amy: i'm liking recent t-mobile commercials

i like the butt dialing one

me: That's cause you like to dial with your butt.

5:25 PM Amy: are you watching this snuggie
commercial too?

me: Yes I am.

5:26 PM Amy: the robe that's turned around

me: Shutup man, it's genious!

genius!

both!

me: Milk is sort of a period peice.

lol

Amy: well, fine the 17th century period piece

me: Hahahahahah

6:22 PM Okay, if you want to it that way.

6:23 PM Amy: i put down benjamin button for make up

me: I put dark knight

They should have shown two face, scare the
shit out of everyone.

Amy: there's lots more awards

yeah, but everyone focuses on the joker

me: They should have gotten Aaron Eckhart
to dress up like two-face and threaten
everyone.

Lol

6:25 PM I think that Twoface was way more exciting

6:36 PM me: Somebody in my building is cooking
something that smells like crotch.

Amy: they're cooking hummas

me: Now it smells like curry

6:37 PM Amy: they're celebrating slumdog millionaire

they're having one of those themed oscar
parties

me: Lol

Now it smells like eggs

I don't know what to think

...now my floor is on fire!

Just kidding

me: Robert Downy Jr as a black guy actually
looks like Cuba Gooding Jr

Amy: lol

me: What a creeper

7:37 PM me: got it

fucking stop heidi klum

7:38 PM Amy: yeah, but at least she's not as annoying
as tyra banks

me: true

Amy: she doesn't give 16 year old girls
pictures of herself for the latter's birthday

birthdays*

me: hahaha true

7:39 PM Amy: noun subject agreement lol

me: yay

Amy: when tyra said she did that all i can
think about was better off dead when ricky
gives monique a picture of himself for
christmas

me: What the fuck did [Eddie Murphy] get
nominated for?

Amy: norbit

lol

7:42 PM me: Bahahaha

of course

For Dave

Amy: i honestly don't know

lol

"best actor - man pretending to be a robot"

7:43 PM me: lol

It's probably for the Klumps "Holy shit, he's
playing like 8954 different characters!"

Amy: "best actor - multiple man and woman
roles"

7:44 PM me: bhahah

Amy: jerry lewis is still alive?

7:45 PM me: I hope so. Or that's a fantastic Robot
under a corpse

Amy: a robot played by eddie murphy!

me: He was nominated for playing Jimmy Early

Amy: oh yeah!

gosh, okay, that makes sense

he was great

my girl wants to party all the time party
all the time party all the ti-ime

7:46 PM me: He also got a grammy for that song

7:47 PM Amy: what?

are you serious?

me: no

hahaha

Amy: omg

don't scare me like that

me: Ahahahah

Amy: whenever they cut to danny boyle, he's
always doing something weird

Amy: it's qi gon jinn!

8:06 PM me: It's Raas Al Ghul!

It's Jean Val Jean

Amy: it's captain barbosa

oh wait

wrong character, lol

8:29 PM Amy: sophia loren is scary looking

me: BHAHAHAHAHA

I know

I just looked at her and was like "Oh Shit!"

Amy: yeah, what is up with her?

me: I don't know.

She looks pasted together.

Amy: bwahahahahahahaha

Amy: i don't care much for nicole kidman's
bird dress

me: Yeah, it's weird

Amy: miley cyrus went fishing, she went
pheasant hunting

me: Yuck old cate blanchett is a pedophile.

Amy: lol

I love this office.

2009-02-18T10:46:00.000-08:00

The other production company is having a development meeting. I hear someone talking calmly about something. Someone asks a question that I can't hear, then there's just an enthusiastic, "Fuck 'em!" Like the "Fuck 'em" that would warrant a fist pump.

Edited: 2/19 at 6:05pm...damn I suck at remembering to proofread.

Where I park.

2009-02-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

Me: "I work in Beverly Hills, but I actually park in a different city."
Papa: "Well Duh, there's no parking for your kind in Beverly Hills."

Stuff that's weird to me around here.

2009-02-05T23:39:00.000-08:00

The movie theaters have assigned seating and a homie that shows you to your seat.

I saw a car for horse insurance.

I saw at least two real yamakkah's. (Leave me alone, I've never seen that stuff in person before!)

Also, today I stomped around in puddles of water with flipflops on, because even in L.A. I manage to wear flipflops on the day it's raining. Doh!

There is a sushi fast food restaurant, and I think that it made me sick.

I don't care if I get crap for this..

2009-02-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

I think the new Transformers movie is going to be awesome. Here have a trailer:

So far.

2009-02-01T11:18:00.001-08:00

I've kind of been avoiding blogging, because I don't want to be too negative. I may be kind of a sissy, but I've been having a hard time adjusting.

Parking has made me unbelievably grumpy. Basically just the parking around my apartment, and yesterday around Lily's dorm. I spent a half an hour looking for a parking space the other night near my apartment. I almost drove all the way back to Reno because I figured it would take less time than finding a damn spot....and it's a completely reasonable response as well. I feel like it's making me a way more grumpy person, and I don't want to be like that. That's just another challenge I'm going to have to face head on.

Now that all of the grumpies are out of the way, I've been having a pretty good time also. On Thursday I went to go watch my friend's turtle race at a bar in Santa Monica. And you see, that sounds amazing on paper, but on 15% of the evening at the bar was turtle racing. A good 75% of it was watching girls bend over and put turtles down and pervy bar workers tell them to do it over.

Fortunately we all left and went to Swingers, a really hip cross between Denny's and Pneumatic in Reno. It was amazing; the food was delicious and the restaurant had an Andy Warhol print for wallpaper.

For the most part I've been hanging out at work. The days are kind of long, but I don't mind, because at least I have a parking space! Ha. My boss is super cool, and we enjoy a lot of the same movies.

But I gotta run, laundry calls!

Celebrity (?) Sighting!

2009-01-28T22:41:00.000-08:00

My sister has been asking me if I've seen a celebrity yet, and I think I have depending on your interpretation. I went to lunch today with the intern I'm going to be replacing. On the way back I'm we passed by someone who looks like that guy who plays all the nerd people in movies. It took me a while to remember why he looked familiar and who the hell he was.

I suppose that's close right?

Laser Tag! Laser Tag! Pew Pew Pew!

2009-01-27T23:01:00.000-08:00

I just got back from laser tag with some friends of friends in Sherman Oaks. My friend Kelly (who kicks ass) told one of her friends that I was going to be down here. Tonight I hung out with aforementioned friend and her friends. It was a really good time.

There were two super creepy girls playing laser tag. They were completely stonefaced and they just charged around shooting people. They didn't duck or hide or anything. It was like they were walking on a busy city street and they just happened to have to shoot people with lasers. Weird. They looked like they were having no fun. But how can you have fun with your base is totally taken over?!? OOOOOOOOH. Got 'em. Got 'em good.

Damn you, Last.fm

2009-01-27T14:24:00.000-08:00

This is not the best song to have pop up in your music when you're slightly homesick.

Adventure #1: Exploration.

2009-01-27T09:51:00.000-08:00

I suppose that title is actually a little bit of a hyperbole. This morning I woke up and left the apartment in search of a printer cable and groceries. Having a somewhat limited knowledge of the area and no ability to print maps, I just decided to wing it.

After driving around for a little bit I drove by a building with a ton of House and Fringe posters. I thought to myself, "Damn, this building sure pimps for those shows." Then I drove a little further and learned that it was Fox Studios. >.<

I went to Trader Joe's first because I didn't find the Best Buy yet. I got some cool organic cinnamon bread, but I found myself wishing that they just had an organic printer cable I could buy.

On the way home from Best Buy I took a wrong turn and ended up somewhere near Bel Air. I found that pretty funny because most of the time when you say "Oh Crap" after making a wrong turn you're in the ghetto.

I made it here!

2009-01-26T21:33:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, have a ton of driving and some unpacking I'm finally at my humble temporary abode.

I lost my sister's truck for a little bit. I parked in my new neighborhood and walked around the corner to the apartment. I went back to move the car closer and get some bags and I couldn't find it. It was pretty funny.

My new roomies are super nice, and they've already been a great help to me. The roomie I share a bathroom with is even cool with me using the awesome undie rug that Barry gave me for Christmas.

I took some video and wrote a few jokes on the drive. I should have them up soon! Woot.

Today has just been a great day. I remembered how much I love traveling.

Preparations...

2009-01-22T14:57:00.000-08:00

My mom has been super funny about me leaving. I was talking to her about something, and out of nowhere she just says, "YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A BOOK OF STAMPS." And I was a little puzzled. I just said to her, "Yeah, I suppose, but that's much less important than at this point." "I know...but they're just nice to have."

She's pretty funny, especially because she never acts momly unless someone is going out of town for whatever reason. Then it goes from her saying "Okay" when you leave the door to "Text me when you get there. Bring sheets! Don't wear those shoes, they don't look comfortable."

Anyway, right now I'm doing the dramatic car swap with my sister. She's being nice enough to loan me her car for the next couple of months.

I'm also deciding how much of my life I'm going to pack up into boxes to take with me. Wooot.

Thin skin.

2009-01-21T23:34:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie Heckler a while ago, and a lot of the comedians were talking about being very thin skinned. I consider myself and comedian, and I was thinking about how I am. I don't have any qualms about admitting that I'm a little sensitive, but I think with some sort of sensitivity comes perception and observation.

The best comedians can relate to their audience and figure out how to make them laugh without being stale. The best comedians react to their audience, and use their observations to incorporate them into the show. How much sensitivity does this require?

(X-posted at The Utility Players Blog).

Life Is A Game

2009-01-19T11:42:00.000-08:00

Here's a great opportunity to play some fun improv! Hope to see you there. It's going to be my last Life Is A Game before I head out to L.A.

HELLO ALL! The next Life Is A Game: Existential Improv Theater class will be on Sunday January 25th from 4-6 pm at the Studio on 4th (432 E. Fourth St.) Come and explore your own incredible creative abilities, and explore the relationship between the rules of improv and the rules of life--trust, flow, letting go, co-creation, and so much more! The class is free, but an exchange is highly encouraged, either through monetary donation, or by bringing something (like a snack) to share with the group! Please pass this along to anyone with an inner child, or to anyone you think could use a little spiritual pick-me-up! Visit the Life is a Game page at www.homesliceproductions.com for more information!

Thanks and love,
Jes

Bye semester of school, hello Los Angeles.

2009-01-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

I just learned that I got this internship I applied for. I didn't even think I would get it! It's going to be amazing, but I know I'm going to miss so much in Reno.

Even though I won't be able to perform live with the Utility Players, I'm going to do as much as I can to support them from L.A. I'll be performing with them on the 24th, but that will be my only performance until I come back.

I'll be posting video updates on this page and on the Utility Players Blog.

Hikaru Utada's Simple and Clean

2009-01-11T23:19:00.000-08:00

So, out of boredom and procrastination (I still have to write another page of essay before tomorrow at 9am) I've been listening to different versions of this song on YouTube. For you nerds out there, you'll recognize this song from playing too much Kingdom Hearts.

The short um-ch-um-ch techno version:

The full version:

And here's the acoustic version:

What's everybody's favorite?

P.S. I didn't include the Japanese versions because the song sounds really cluttered, and I'm not that fond of it. And it has this really weird music video where Utada is just washing dishes...yeah. Action packed fun.

I hate superstition sometimes.

2009-01-10T01:55:00.000-08:00

My mother always told me that it is bad luck to sing while you're eating. I love to sing in the car. I listen to anything and everything on the radio, but I especially like the songs where I can just belt it out. I had a dilemma today: I was eating a pita while driving in my car and I really wanted to sing along. Superstition kept me from doing so. Instead I was forced to marvel at the fact that I could drive while eating a pita and writing in a notebook (I'm practicing so someday I can make a sandwich while driving. Badass. I'm almost at stunt driver status at that point in my life).

Good day, sir.

These crappy jokes come across better on stage.

2009-01-08T18:06:00.000-08:00

So you should check them out! I'm going to sign up for some open mic comedy at Great Basin Brewery tonight at 9:30pm. Check it dawgs.

The zit on my face.

2009-01-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to take a liking to this zit on me face. It's right on my cheek and it's huge, but it looks kind of cool. Seriously though, it's like the size of a tanker truck. I have this deep buried hope that someday I might be able to shoot lasers or see out of it.

WoW and Economics

2009-01-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

I used to be an avid WoW player, and part of the fun of WoW (for me) was observing some of the trends in prices and why some items were sold for more than others. (I had a profitable skinning enterprise when I played, lol.)

David Friedman has this awesome post about what you can learn about economics (unregulated, I might add) from WoW. I don't play WoW anymore, but I would start up again just to take a class like that.

Why life isn't so bad.

2009-01-01T14:22:00.000-08:00

Being the persistent optimist that I am, I really like this article about happy stuff in our society.

More of my fascination with the economics of divorce.

2008-12-30T17:58:00.000-08:00

Crappy economic situation + property (asset or liability) = deterrent for divorce in couples? Maybe.

What a great time!

2008-12-30T00:59:00.000-08:00

Java Jungle was amazing tonight!

It was also a reunion of one of my silly high school bands. All of my former bandmates were there and afterward we proceeded to sit around, eat pizza and watch Anchorman.

Tonight's stand up set was really fun. There was even a little audience participation: I a few people act out one of my jokes for me.

Good times! I hope to see everyone at the next one.

Java Jungle Tonight!

2008-12-29T13:49:00.000-08:00

December, 29 2008 - 8:00P

Java Jungle Open Mic!
246 W 1st St
Reno , NV 89501
Cost: 0

[Map]

I’m going to sign up and do some sweet open mic. I’m going to be telling new stuff, so check it out! :D

Christmas memories...

2008-12-26T08:56:00.000-08:00

I remember in high school, I had a Chemistry teacher who would give extra credit if we constructed a Christmas tree with element-themed ornaments. She called it the "Chemis-tree." I remember thinking, "What a terrible human, you are."

This is why people don't think scientists are fun. That teacher set back the fun scientist movement by at least 30 years with that damn tree project. Bill Nye and Beakman are probably rolling in their.... (They're not dead, but I can't think of anything else they would roll in. Their own filth? Dough? A fatty?) Well, they'd probably be disappointed if they heard about that.

I wish I got that cool psychotic Chemistry teacher that liked to blow crap up in front of the class. It would be have been worth the health risk.

I have another Merry Christmas blog post for you!

2008-12-26T07:05:00.000-08:00

You gotta love the ridiculousness of Drive-Thru Records pop-punk bands. Thanks to my sister for showing me this one.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T18:41:00.001-08:00

see more puppies

Grumpy post: Why I didn't like Dan In Real Life.

2008-12-22T02:12:00.001-08:00

I've been on a movie watching kick today because I just opened up a Netflix account. I've been taking advantage of the instant play movies. I just finished Dan in Real Life and I can honestly say that I officially do not trust Steve Carrell with movies anymore. I was really disappointed, and here's why:

It was painfully predictable. The "twists" were like if Godzilla tried to sneak up on you when you're sitting in a room of dead silence (which in retrospect I should have done instead of watch this movie).

His children were annoying, but in particular his love crazed girl was the worst. This girl was unreasonably stupid, even for someone who is a teenager who thinks she's in love. Later, Dan ends up becoming very much like his lovesick teen, and you begin to feel like he's an idiot, too.

Dane Cook isn't very good as a actor. I'm not sure if I just typecasted him in my mind, but I don't want to see him do other things. It could be because he picks terrible roles.

There was too much family bonding. About a third of the movie was just scenes where an obnoxiously large family were doing activities that normal families don't do. It just felt cheesy to me.

There is no chemistry between Dan and Marie. Their flirting was really stale, and a lot of it was due to the writing.

To be honest, I'm not even sure why this movie was classified as a comedy, because it wasn't funny at all. The verdict is if you see this movie come toward you in a dark alley, run away!

P.S. One plus: The soundtrack by Sondre Lerche was fantastic.

Conversations with Other Women

2008-12-21T23:29:00.000-08:00

Woot woot for independent movies! I just finished watching Conversations with Other Women, and I must say it's an amazing movie.

It's an hour and a half of Aaron Eckhart and Helena Bonham Carter talking to each other in split screen and it's crap-your-pants awesome.

I'd write more about it, but I don't want to be a big spoiler pants. Just go watch it, and laugh and smile and whatnot.

Two sides of the story.

2008-12-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

Alright kids, I have a few sweet videos for those of you who have to finish a book report about Romeo and Juliet.*

Here we have the guy's point of view:

These guys look like genderbending muppets, but their song is so adorable.

And here is the girl version:

*You'll probably fail if you use this.

It may just be the fact that I'm alone in here...

2008-12-14T22:40:00.000-08:00

I was doing some yoga today in my room, and I was finally able to conquer (to an extent) the pose that has been plaguing me since I started doing yoga: the headstand. I did a modified headstand against the wall, and I was actually able to hold it! I'm super stoked.

If you don't know what this dreaded pose looks like, it's a little like this:

Then I got ambitious and tried (with the aid of my couch) to attempt this pose:

...and then of course I fell over and knocked a bunch of crap off of my shelves. I should really be trying this stuff in places where I can't damage anything when I eat crap.

[I yoinked my pictures from this site: (http://www.yogalifestyle.com)]

Cat burglar?

2008-12-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

I was in a cafeteria-type thing before work, and I saw this guy eating. He had one of those beanies on, but it was folded up and all I could think of was "cat burglar." But he was wearing skater clothes.

Long story short, if you're looking for the guy who stole your longboard and Jack Johnson CD's, I think I found him.

Jizz In My Pants

2008-12-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

My sister, being the great person that she is, just sent me this Lonely Island music video. It's a really great follow up to "Dick In A Box."

On another note who is so totally excited for Hugh Laurie hosting SNL next Saturday?

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

2008-12-07T11:36:00.000-08:00

On Friday I managed to convince someone that I was all these things:

Both my parents are Irish and that I was black Irish.
My mother is from Florida.
Jerimiah McNastypants is the name of a real porn star who legally changed his name to that.
I grew up on a farm.

Then, I said things that were true, and I used a hick accent to say them. Nobody believed me.

My dads a trucker and he watches NASCAR.
I watch wrestling with my dad.
I listen to Taylor Swift.

So there you go guys, it's not what you say it's how to say it. Just avoid the hick accent (if you don't originally have one) and then say it like you really mean it. :)

USB Vibrator?!

2008-12-04T23:22:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness!

I just about wanted to die laughing when I saw this. I would love to buy this and walk into the school library and just look like I'm going to plug it into one of the computers to use it. Maybe right before you turn it on you can turn to the person next to you: "Yeah, it's a vibrator. Got it online, wanna see? Want to check it out? Yeah. It's pretty sweet."

Yay for surfing Neatorama and finding this weird list.

Maybe it's because I'm a romantic...

2008-12-03T19:31:00.001-08:00

...that I'm somewhat shocked and weirded out by this.

Apparently cheating may be more common than monogomy in marriage these days.

But then again United States culture has been taking a dump on marriage for a while (Boo divorce rate and lack of gays being able to get married).

Well, while we're on a craptastic topic, here's a divorce calculator.

Now excuse me, I have to go write a paper about marriage law (seriously).

My mom and Sarah.

2008-12-01T23:49:00.003-08:00

I just thought this was such a funny picture. Here's my mom and Sarah (another super cool crafter; she makes awesome hats and scarves) at the craft fair over the weekend.

...and here's what my mom was so excited to bring up:

I have never met someone who was that excited to pretend to be Danny DeVito. Twins, HA. Topical.

Safe Driver, 5 Years.

2008-11-30T10:31:00.001-08:00

Congrats to my dad for being Mr. Safe Driver for the last 5 years at his job. His company showered him with enough patches to slap on his entire clothing collection. They also gave him a large tedious belt buckle (super classy, I know). Observe:

Yesterday he walked into my room and handed it to me.
"Hey, you're almost 21. This should be yours. Good driving, kid."
"I can't believe you managed to pawn this thing off on me."

I don't even have a belt. Come to think of it, I don't really wear pants with belt loops...and I try to avoid pants. Damn you, father.

The Macy’s Parade

2008-11-29T02:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Today after I woke up super late, I decided to hop on the interweb and write a little bit about the parade that I have somewhat been watching.

Here are just a few observations (omg live!):

The Pikachu balloon was the highlight of the whole damn thing! So, so badass.
The Rick Roll is probably no longer a joke: NBC caught onto it and Rick Astley had a float with a bunch of weird-ass looking puppets. I didn’t feel Rick Rolled. Sorry dudes, our fun is over.
David Archuleta looked crazy awful! I was watching House the other night and there was a doctor that had Huntington’s and was injected with a ton of medication that later ended up shutting down one of her organs. He looked kind of like that. =/
Yay for Joel Goddard from Late Night with Conan O’Brien being the announcer!
I very much dislike the sound of marching bands and I never thought I would find something I dislike more, but then Al Roker chimed in.
I get really weirded out by all of the other people on the floats. Many floats are in this structure: Person signing, weird shapes that have nothing to do with the person singing, other people/puppets waving their limbs around.
Yarrr, pirate balloon! Maybe they should have gotten those Somalian pirates. That would have been funny. Or maybe not, because they might have stolen the show! BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. That was terrible.
My mom’s vacuum cleaner is breaking. This has nothing to do with the parade, but it just smells really bad.
Why do people stand outside for this? I can see it so much better on TV, and I’m warm. I do have the broken vacuum smell, but it’s no so bad when I think of looking like cold David Archuleta. I hope his face is okay, because it looked like it was going to fall off.
Varsity Fanclub: are boy bands coming back?! I’ve never heard of these guys before today. What does an eagle have to do with a boy band? “Dear America, here is your beautiful prestigious emblem of freedom. Oh, and here’s an eagle.” Bhahah! Got ‘em. That makes no sense.
I hate you so much, Guitar Hero commercials. Especially the ones where people are doing the risky business thing while they’re playing Guitar Hero by themselves. If you’re having that much fun when you’re playing Guitar Hero by yourself, you probably need some sort of intervention.
I have this uncontrollable urge to hug all of those Carebears.

X-Posted at Renegade News Outlet.

I found out where the earthquakes are coming from!

2008-05-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

A bunch of jumping teenagers in the Spanish Springs Denny's on Friday night.

Seriously, these kids did not believe in sitting down and quietly eating your pancakes. Denny's is not a fucking Simple Plan concert, nor is it a pizza parlor. Sit down.

And you wonder why society hates you.

And get off my lawn while you're at it!

(X-Posted on MySpace)

Penelope.

2008-02-17T06:20:00.000-08:00

This picture makes me want to wear scarves like that. It's like a cross between hardcore kid with a bandana and someone who is quite cold, which, coincidentally is the way I describe myself to strangers.

(X-Posted on MySpace)

It’s a sad day in America...

2008-01-29T05:54:00.000-08:00

...when the media has to specify when the voters are deciding who wins primaries.

I found this on Politico.

I don't know, when I look at that headline, I keep wishing that they were literally duking it out. Bare knuckle boxing, hopefully. That would be a riot.

Seriously though, is it funny because this should be obvious, or because they realize that there's been a lot of funny business involved in the nomination process (on both sides of the isle)?

P.S. Kudos to Politco for doing it tabloid style and finding the most appallingly terrible pictures of both those dudes.

I might be the only person...

2008-01-26T15:39:00.000-08:00

...who would prefer to watch Jon Bon Jovi act instead of sing.

Chris Dodd is fun.

2007-11-15T15:33:00.000-08:00

"Kids are 1/10 of our country, but they're 100 percent of our future!"

He said this at the Democratic debates...and he wasn't joking. Like that was his real line. Man, if you're going to be a cornball, at least be consistent in your choice of units.

Well, regardless of if you agree with Dodd or not...I think we can all agree that saying something like that is not fun.

Story Source
Picture Source

(X-Posted on MySpace)

I found this amusing.

2007-10-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

"For example, let's say that the dictator of Little Island Nation (population one thousand) proposes a big tax cut for everyone, declaring that the mean tax savings with be $5000 (the total tax cut devided by one thousand tax payers). The Islanders begin to gleefully envision how they will spend their $5000. But then they learn that the mean figure has been skewed higher because of a few millionaires whose tax savings will be $100,000 or more. The tax savings for the vast majority of taxpayers is actually less than $500. The $5000 figure that the dictator tossed out is the true mean--but painfully misleading. To the Islanders, the median tax savings is much more revealing: The median is $400. The mode, the most common figure, is $300. When they get all the facts, the Islanders stage a revolt--the first one in history caused by a better understanding of statistics."

I just thought the reaction (bolded part) was hilarious. Oh man, what a textbook.

(X-Posted on Myspace)

Why I'm a silly dumbass.

2006-06-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

Here's what I made for a government project:

(X-Posted on MySpace)

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2006-03-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

American Idol Analysis.

2006-03-02T13:06:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed on American Idol, if they kick someone off the show, they play this touching musical montage? And have you noticed how they make it seem like the person died? But then again, think about it...after they are on American Idol, you never hear from them again, so I'm pretty sure that they just get killed after they lose.

Why else would the be crying when they leave the show? They don't want to die. Who wants to die? Man, that sucks. I almost died today, and I didn't even die, but man, that sucked.

So, I'm assuming only the tenacious bastards live past getting voted off. Which is odd because one of the only ones I can think of that stuck around after losing is Clay Aiken...and he doesn't strike me as the tenacious type. Unless of course there is a certified killer that kills the American Idol contestants, that is obviously prejudiced....?

I'm not joking, this must obviously happen. American Idol is just a crazy scheme to kill off the world's singing talent. Why else would each season get worse and worse? Because in the prior years the good singers have been killed off.

Why has no one talked about this? Because if people realized this no one would try out for the fucking show, duh. That's a dumb question. Who would want to get killed by a person who only likes Clay Aiken, that fucking sucks. I almost got killed by a person who only likes Clay Aiken just today, and I didn't even get killed, but man, I'm telling you, it fucking sucked.

Little children freak me out.

2005-12-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

I was at Kohl's with my mom and I was eavesdropping on people and I heard this young girl and her mom talking...

Annoying kid: "Hey mommy look! Look! These are toe socks!"
Creepy mom: "No, those aren't toe socks."
Annoying kid: "YES MOMMY! THEY ARE!!! LOOK! LOOK AT THEM!! LOOK AT THEM!! THEY'RE TOE SOCKS!! BLAAAAALDLAFJKAAAAA!!!"
Creepy mom: "Oh, gosh, sorry my apoligies, they are toe socks."
Annoying kid: "If you wear toe socks, they make you grow more toes."
Creepy mom: "Yeah? Then you have to have them removed like Grandpa's. Right?"

(X-posted at MySpace)

Children and drive-thrus are unacceptable.

2005-03-14T20:29:00.000-08:00

Here's some crap I wrote while I was on break at work the other night.

I hate when stupid people get their stupid ugly children to order at the drive-thru window.

Earlier, I was on drive-thru and these stupid people got to our speaker and the ugly kid in the back seat rolled down the window and started shrieking into the speaker.

First of all, the kid was ugly. I actually made an effort to walk over toward a window in the restaurant to look at who/what was ordering (I couldn't tell if it was an ambulance siren or a person) and I saw some irritating little brat with her disgusting mongoose of a face hanging out of the stupid Lexus Hovermobile™.

Second, the kid was maybe eight or nine, so she didn't know what the hell she wanted.

She was insanely stupid---or at least too ignorant to order at a drive-thru. Why didn't that stupid person just order for her kid? The parent seemed to know how to order better than their stupid smelly kid...but then again it wasn't better by much. Or maybe they thought that little event was cute. Well, newsflash, assholes, it would have only been cute if a) your kid doesn't look like a barracuda, b) if your kid didn't take so damn long to order and c) if your kid actually knew how to order properly---and even then it would only be mildly amusing. Maybe if your kid was a dog, we'd actually think it was cute. Seriously, a dog, not that whole trying to be a dog business. Besides most people are not cute, anyway, so shut up.

(X-posted on MySpace)

Why I get my news from Conan, Kimmel and the internet.

2005-02-24T20:16:00.000-08:00

I hate the stupid local news shows. They suck so badly. Today I walked into my kitchen and the stupid crappy news was on, and the newscaster hooker woman was like, "And take a look at our story that we're working on for the 6 o'clock broadcast." And it was about some stupid arbitrary thing that doesn't need to be reported. It was like a cat being saved from a tree by a fireman or some bullshit like that.

That just shows you that they are desperate to find something to report. I figure that you shouldn't have to put in crappy filler in a news cast. You know what that means? Maybe you shouldn't have your shitty news cast at 1, 1:30, 3, 5, 5:30, 6, 11 and 2:30-9am. Maybe you should just have it once a day, because you obviously don't have enough local crap to report on.

Also, I hate this how they feel that they have to hype their news stories. They take 4545 commerical breaks and after every single one they say, "Oh, and stay tuned because at 5 o'clock we're going to show rare footage of Ghandi fighting an alligator." If it was so important, you should put it at the beginning of the damn newscast. I hate that.

The reporters piss me off a lot, as well. I hate how they think that they are just so damn funny, how they should be comedians with all their hilarious banter. That's so stupid it makes me want to punch myself in the head repeatedly until I can't hear them talk. Stupid anchor people, you're not funny, that's why you have a job a news station, and not writing for SNL. Nobody cares that you made up a pun, just report the damn news.

That's why I gave up on watching the news on TV. Bah! Stupid crap.

(X-posted on MySpace)